A Trip for Leaving Steps
A Short Story
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“I want to break up with you.” Ginar said it after weeks of contemplating, finally gave up thinking the reason why. She didn’t find any. Or she just couldn’t explain it?
Anfa slowed down his car. He knew it’ll happen sooner or later, only not this soon.
“Why?” he asked emotionlessly, holding his breath altogether. He already knew the answer, though.
Truth was, she didn’t know why she said it now. Their relationship was overwhelming to the point where she felt numb. She just didn’t want it anymore. She had enough.
“Can you not breaking up with me on our way to Jogja?”
“I am sorry.” That was all she can say, even when both knew she didn’t mean it.
She fell out of love, it wasn’t her fault. Though it didn’t mean that it wouldn’t hurt.
“Okay but can we wait until my sister’s wedding? We came all the way here for the big day tomorrow. My families are there, too.”
He didn’t ask much. She agreed. Until his sister’s wedding.
The silent was so calm between them. The road, the sky, the soft playlist.
It rained, but she didn’t cry. She was prepared for the fight but he didn’t seem to understand what she was talking about.
Did he not know that once she left, means she wouldn’t ever come back?
From that she knew that a grip that once he tightly held into her, had loosen inches without a fight now.
“Is your family okay you’re staying with us tonight?”
They planned on staying in a bungalow they rented with some friends. It was Vara’s birthday bash.
“Ugh, you know they don’t even care about me.” Anfa smiled, the bitter fact didn’t bother him that much.
“But they like me.” And this was also the truth.
“Yep, they do. Even when you broke up with me, I bet they will still do.”
#
Jogja is not a place. It’s a feeling.
A memory of finding, of loving and suffering. Of starting, of ending, and also a bunch everything there is in between. But most of all, of remembering.
Ginar opened the window, she let the smell after rain infiltrate into her lungs. Hands catched some left drops falling from the leaves. The wind was cold but she let it blew over her face as Anfa paced up his car hoping they would arrive before sunset.
And so they did.
The sun was still there, waiting to be seen off for its departure.
“Ah, the lovebirds!” Vara’s voice was enough to announce their arrival to the rest of the people in the island.
“Happy birthday, bish. I love you so much it hurts me that you’re so old now.” A hug was given, along with a bottle of her favorite special delicacy.
“26 and rich and happy, I don’t mind, you bish!”
Ginar laughed and hugged her bestfriend once again, a long hug for not seeing each other for almost a year.
The reunion was quick, later everybody was busy doing their own things while some getting prepared for the party.
Ginar decided to go in the balcony along with a glass of champagne in her hand. Solitude was her very thing. She looked west as the sun radiated right through her eyes, still it wasn’t enough to make her blind.
Here I am
kissed by the sun
instead of by you.
#
Party was over. They were so tired of playing games and it was almost 3 am. There were only five of them left, others were drunk as fuck they passed out everywhere.
“Are we invited to your sister’s wedding?” Lena asked.
“Nope. It’s a private wedding, only family and her friends are invited.” Anfa replied without hesitation, for he himself wished not to be invited as well.
“Ginar are you a family or a friend of Inka?” She was teasing her, kinda rethorical.
“A friend. A very good friend of her. Also, Inka loves me more than she loves her brother.” Ginar stared at Anfa, mocked him by making funny faces.
“So, you two are getting married next year, right? You promised your dad you will be married when you’re 27.” Vara reminded Ginar of her impulsive promise made to her dad.
She hesitated to answer. She didn’t even look at Anfa as he sipped his beer and looked away.
“I don’t know. He already left this world. I wonder if the promise still prevails, though.”
Anfa suddenly leaned to Ginar and kissed her in front of others. As if he was so thirsty and every damn water left in this planet was in Ginar’s lips.
“You both please just get a room because I’ve never been envier than right now.” Vara casted them away for good reason. A very good one.
#
“What was that kiss about?” Ginar couldn’t stop laughing. She couldn’t believe what this man just did out of impulsivity. He wasn’t that kind of man. He wasn’t that drunk either.
Anfa didn’t reply. He sat on the left side of the bed, hand took a cigarrette that had yet to lit.
“Anfa, please, the wine.”
He took a bottle and two glasses.
The room was so atmospheric. Dim lights, rustic ornaments. Ginar opened the balcony door wide so they could see the sky clearly, although the stars were hidden somewhere between the mist. He played her favorite playlist, it then filled up the room. Ruthless by The Marias. She couldn’t help not to dance to that.
“Tell me, why now?” his voice was a mixture of intense curiosity but also, a glimpse of desperation.
“Anfa, you loved Neila. You know I know that.”
The truth was it. He’d never thought she’d be saying those so emotionlessly. Even with a smirk. He hold his breath for split seconds, stared back at her staring right through his brown eyes. So deep he thought she might cry while trying to fake her laugh. But she didn’t fake it.
“Good you know it’s on the past tense,” Trembling, he knew it was expected from him.
“And I no longer do. I do love you, Ginara. For the bottom of my heart. Can’t you feel that?”
She laughed. She smiled. She laughed again.
“Please, close the door. It’s getting cold. I’m just gonna sleep now.” She changed her clothes and did the ritual before bed.
“Ginar. Talk to me.”
“I am, talking to you now.”
“You have to believe that everything I said is true. Neila is my past now.”
She sighed. Heavily. Guess she had to end this tonight.
“Listen. I know you don’t love me until the first year of our relationship. That was when I thought I should help you to move on with your life after Neila. We attracted to each other because you were so lost and I am always been the healer. I know you tried so hard to love me. And after a year, you finally did. I could feel it. You have no idea how happy I was that my wait is finally over. But Anfa, I drained myself so empty for you I have nothing left for myself now. I think our path could never crossed each other. You’re always late and I’m always drowned too fast. I thought I couldn’t find any reason now that you love me, but now I know that I’m so done living in the shadow.”
Anfa tried not to cry but tears were falling down from those brown eyes. He looked at her but she was smiling. What a witch, he thought. A lovely witch he adored so much.
“Your love feels like a guilt, Anfa. But I know right in this moment — you love me more than your guilt ever did me. But I’m done.”
He held her hand, so tightly as if he asked her to stay. But how could he? She stayed long enough waiting to be loved by a man like him. Ginar let his past be his present for a long time, he couldn’t ask for more. He shouldn’t.
Part of her was tired but another part of her was a fighter that refuse to stop fighting. She was in torn between letting him to love her right once again, or letting him free to cross path with somebody else so he wouldn’t feel the guilt.
And she kissed him. It was burning inside her. Her head was dizzy already but she knew it was the right thing to do. A goodbye kiss should be given.
He held both of her hands now, but tighter.
“Ginara, please, make love to me. At least, for the last time.”
She was stiffen. Did she make one move lead to this? Was this her intention at all? She placed her hands on his cheek, wiping the tears away.
“I can’t.”
“I want to remember you forever.”
A second of her hesitation, a fuel for his hope.
But Anfa couldn’t let go of her. Not yet. Especially now.
#
To be continued.
